I wrote the following as part of a private correspondence to dear friends undergoing difficult times. I have not posted to this journal in over a year, yet now I feel a motivation to begin journaling my thoughts and experiences once again.
When the routine of daily life has become so comfortably ingrained, it is only human nature to grow accustomed to look logically in self-reliance at the physical face of things for ordinary daily needs. And in so doing, we can lose sight of our real purpose here in this life, our true home, and our Sovereign Master. The Lord has recently shaken my life up and gotten my attention (again!) in a powerful way. I wish to journal a little of my own thoughts and experience, in the hope that it might be of some small comfort and encouragement to others, and to serve as a reminder to myself.
He gives grace.
It is so very easy, for me, to forget that I am not truly in control of anything! And for me, that is very hard to accept, as I am such a control freak. I have to keep all my ducks in a row all the time, or I tend to get very nervous and worried, to the point of physical symptoms manifesting my inner stresses. What I so often lose sight of, is that the Lord is over all, truly, vitally, and immediately. Not just in the verbal expressions of platitudes we've all heard and parroted all our lives, but in THIS reality, here and now; and more, He is looking at me personally, seeing all I do, knowing me, and directing the path of my life. Moment to moment.
He has allowed His regenerate children to retain limited liberty of their own will, within the bounds of His grace, so that they are free to make choices here in this life and time with regard to their responses to Him. And all too often, like sheep bounding away from the flock, I wander spiritually off, and He, the Shepherd, faithfully brings me back. He
redirects me. He gets my attention, and brings it back where it needs to primarily be, and that is on and in Him. If I find that process devastating, is He not still the Master?
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. So I ask myself, if my center, my primary focus in life, were truly in Him, rather than in my perception of my own abilities, would I even feel that sense of devastation and disruption of my peace?
The divergence of my primary focus is understandable, and a common occurence to all of us. When things happen that threaten my temporal security, and disrupt my daily complacency, and scare the living dickens out of me, it is a natural response to feel shaken; freaked out. And then, to see the end of one's own self, the true limit of my own weak capabilities here in this life (I've lost the physical ability to do my job, and I have NO income.....what if we can't make the house payment? what if we lose the house?), it can and does elicit all sorts of emotional response, depending on where I have placed my true center. Is it in Him? or has it been in myself? (Who provided the physical ability, and the house, in the first place?) Far too often, I have found that I place mine in myself. Unwittingly, subtly, I have committed an act of collossal pride in my own sense of self-reliance for matters here in time.
Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy? But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
He gives mercy.
Through my own stormy life experiences, I have come to believe that the trials of this life are naturally occurring things that the Lord uses specifically, by allowing or restraining them, to work on us for His purpose. And so, brought low and made to know my own inadequacy, I ask of Him, Lord, why has this come to pass? The answer for me is this:
And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live.
Through all of this time that I have been unable to work at my job, I worked myself into a pitiful emotional (and physical) state of worry and anxiety over matters financial, and of my own health and ability to work and provide for my family. Every step of the way, though I witnessed and recognized God's direct and immediate provision for me and for us, I continued to stress and panic and worry over each and every succeeding step of the way. The truth is, with the Lord's provision, we had more financial security during the first episode of my disabilty than we ever did when I was working and bringing in a steady cash flow. Did I relax at any time during the process? I am ashamed to say, no. I didn't. I can be so thick headed. Even when I started back to work, I worried over my ability to perform my job, and whether or not my weak knee would hold up. I was all too ready to fling myself back into reliance upon myself and my abilities. Apprehended by the Lord in my wandering way, I bounded off again, straying from Him in my heart and mind.
And then it happened. On the third week back to work, the Lord intervened to get my attention once again. My 'good' knee failed me, and once again, I found myself unable to work. I pushed hard, and I went to work anyway. The pain was so great that I actually threw up from it, and my supervisor had to convince me that this wasn't going to work. I hadn't learned my lesson yet; I hadn't put my center where it needs to be. But this time, I am aware. And my heart and soul cry out,
Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
The first time this all happened to me, I had a 'bank' of PTO (paid time off) and EIB (extended illness bank) that supplied income throughout the period of time I was out of work. I also had short term disability insurance, of which I used half. That PTO and EIB are now exhausted; empty. Half the short term disability insurance is used. So, my mind clamored, when this second major issue arose, how will I ever make it through this again now? Sadly, although I had become aware of the lesson the first time, here I was again, putting my faith in......God? no. In my own abilities. Foolish woman. So the panic and the worries began again, but this time, I stopped and asked myself, why am I doing this? Why am I allowing myself to be devastated over this again? And I was made to consider;
Then thine heart be lifted up, and thou forget the LORD thy God, which brought thee forth out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage.
Had I come through the first episode with my knee on my own? Who provided for me?
Who led thee through that great and terrible wilderness, wherein were fiery serpents, and scorpions, and drought, where there was no water; who brought thee forth water out of the rock of flint?
Who fed thee in the wilderness with manna, which thy fathers knew not, that he might humble thee, and that he might prove thee, to do thee good at thy latter end?
Though I recognized and was aware of His lesson for me in the first, I had failed to make application of it in my heart. And so, in this second trial, I find His lovingkindness, and mercy toward me. Who is in control of my life and its course? It is HE,
Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.
He gives peace.
So here I am, at the beginning of another round of trouble, and yet this time, though I have come to the end of myself completely, my hope and my peace is solid, and sure. The Lord has provided for us, not me. The Lord will see us through this, not me. And I am beginning to discover, (again), that He is such a better Provider than I ever could be!
He has given us financial reassurance, but even so, I have been made to consider, what if He had not? The truth is, it doesn't matter. The Lord gave us this house; He can give us another. He gave us all the things in this life; He can take them, and restore them, and He is still The Lord, and will not forsake us.
Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
It is not perfect, as I am not perfect, but I feel more and more now that my center, my self, is placed in HIM. Not in me. Only HE is relevant, and necessary; the things of this life are truly nothing. Only He is first in all things. I am made to rely upon Him, and I am finding it to be a great relief. Thy will, not mine, O Lord.
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Gently Lord, O gently lead us,
Through this lonely vale of tears,
Through the changes Thou decreed us,
Till our last great change appears.
When temptation’s darts assail us,
When in devious paths we stray,
Let Thy goodness never fail us,
Lead us in Thy perfect way.
This lovely summer morning, I kept my appointment to see the orthopedic surgeon who performed the surgery on my right knee last April. After some poking and prodding, flat-plate x-rays and some more bending, flexing, and general inspection by not only the Dr. but also the little parade of trusty medical students who were following him around like puppies today, he made his pronouncement. "Bursitis, and a possible medial meniscus tear---of the left knee." And just to round the morning out, he prescribed and administered a nifty steroid injection into the affected knee joint. Nary a lollypop in sight afterward, either. Actually, though there is some mild discomfort in this little procedure, the immediate pain relief is well worth it to me. 
An MRI has been scheduled for a definitive diagnosis, nearly two weeks from now, allowing for the time necessary to gain the approval of the insurance company. The last time, approval came more swiftly than anticipated, and the actual MRI date was moved up considerably. I am praying that the same will happen this time as well, so we can get what needs to be done, done.
